Raising Daughters While Healing Your Own Childhood Trauma

By Marisa Sim.

*Trigger Warning*

One morning, my daughter jumped into my bed and said, "Mum, I need to share something with you!" I listened with closed eyes and thought, "Oh no, five more minutes of sleep, please...". She goes, "You are the best mum in the world!". My heart swelled, and I woke up immediately, turned around, looked at her sweet, innocent face, and said, "Aww, that's sweet, my baby girl!". At that moment, it felt like a full-circle moment. I realised how much I have healed in the last few years since my daughter was born.

You see, I have a challenging and strained relationship with my mother, and I honestly do not remember a time when we had such a close and intimate moment like the one I had with my daughter. I lived through most of my childhood afraid of my mother, and it affected my life tremendously. My nervous system was hard-wired to freeze whenever something terrible happened to me, and it was a way to cope with my mother's anger, but it had horrible consequences; as a young child, I was molested by a family member, and my teenage and young adult life found myself in unsafe situations.

Because I did not have a secure attachment to my mother, I looked in all the wrong places, especially in men, to fill the void in my heart with the love I did not get from her. I had low self-worth and no self-respect. Friends and partners walked over me, and I accepted breadcrumbs of love and attention until I started to wake the f*ck up and heal my emotional wounds. 

Childhood trauma can cast a long shadow over our lives, affecting how we view ourselves, relate to others, and navigate the world. As mothers, we may find that these past wounds surface when raising our daughters, influencing our parenting in ways we might not even realise. The journey of healing childhood trauma while raising daughters is both challenging and transformative, offering an opportunity to break free from the cycles of generational trauma and create a more nurturing, loving environment for the next generation.

In this article, we'll explore how to consciously navigate motherhood while healing our childhood traumas, offering strategies to ensure that we raise our daughters in an environment of love, understanding, and emotional safety.

Recognising the Impact of Childhood Trauma 

Understanding how your past experiences shape your behaviour is the first step in healing. Childhood trauma can leave deep scars, affecting how you respond to stress, conflict, and emotional triggers. As mothers, these unhealed wounds can show up as overprotection, impatience, emotional withdrawal, or even excessive control. In my case, my mother had all of the above symptoms. Do you find yourself reacting in situations when dealing with your daughter instead of responding from a place of kindness and love?

Reflection Prompt: Take some time to consider your own childhood. How did your experiences influence how you view yourself, your worth, and your role as a mother? By writing them down, you will recognise these patterns, allowing you to choose a different path when raising your daughter consciously.

Breaking the Cycle with Self-Awareness 

Healing your childhood trauma requires self-awareness. Notice when your past rather than the present fuels your responses to your daughter. For instance, if you had a childhood where you weren't allowed to express emotions, you might feel uncomfortable when your daughter displays strong feelings. Feeling triggered by your children doesn't mean you've failed. It's a sign pointing to deeper layers within you, waiting to be understood and healed.

Often, how we were celebrated or disciplined as children plays a significant role in how we react to our kids. If your parents praised you more for being quiet, convenient, and 'behaving' rather than expressing your true self, seeing your child exhibit regular, developmentally appropriate behaviour, like being loud, throwing a tantrum or fooling around, might hit a nerve.

By becoming aware of these triggers, you can respond with empathy instead of impulsively. This process helps you heal and creates a safer environment for your daughter to express herself freely without judgment.

Tip: Whenever you feel triggered, you can do two things:

•  Pause and Breathe. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and ask yourself, "Is this about my daughter, or is this about me?" This simple question can help you respond from a place of love rather than from your trauma.
•  Reflect and Journal: Writing down your feelings can help you process and understand your triggers. When you know what's underneath your anger, frustration, or impatience, you can meet any unmet needs you uncover.

Embracing Vulnerability and Emotional Expression 

Many of us grew up in environments where vulnerability was seen as a weakness. In my family, my parents always told me I was too sensitive when I cried. You may experience this, too. As a result, you might have learned to suppress your emotions, hide your pain, or pretend that everything was fine, even when it wasn't. However, modelling vulnerability and emotional expression is essential to raise emotionally healthy daughters.

Allow your daughter to see that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated—and equally okay to express those emotions. By showing her that you're not afraid to be vulnerable, you're teaching her that emotions are a natural and healthy part of being human.

Action Step: The next time you feel overwhelmed, share your feelings in an age-appropriate way. For example, "I'm feeling sad today, but it's okay. Sometimes, we all have days like this." or "I'm tired today, and I will take a nap." It will help your daughter understand that it's normal to have emotions and that she doesn't need to hide them. And it also allows her to realise that taking care of herself is okay and part of life.

Reparenting Your Inner Child 

One of the most powerful ways to heal childhood trauma is through reparenting—essentially giving yourself the love, care, and nurturing that you didn't receive as a child. This process allows you to heal your inner wounds and become the mother you needed when you were younger.

When you feel triggered or overwhelmed, ask yourself, "What does my inner child need right now?" It could be comfort, reassurance, or simply permission to be heard. Nurturing your inner child breaks the cycle of trauma and creates a more loving, compassionate foundation for your daughter.

You can also work with a therapist or inner child healing coach to get to the root cause of your triggers and learn to give yourself the love you didn't receive as a child. Root Cause Therapy is a compelling way to heal your inner child using your unconscious mind to heal the parts of you that need to be validated, seen, and heard.

Exercise: Whenever you feel triggered by your daughter's behaviour, pause and imagine that you're speaking to your younger self. How would you respond to her with kindness, love and compassion? This simple exercise can help shift your perspective and create a better response.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries and Relationships 

Childhood trauma often leaves us with skewed perceptions of boundaries. We might become overly accommodating or rigid, fearing abandonment or rejection by being people-pleasers. As women, we tend to be the default caretakers, forgo our needs and lack self-care because we find our worth by being "helpful" or "useful". Therefore, establishing healthy boundaries with your daughter is crucial for both her development and your healing process.

Healthy boundaries teach your daughter about self-respect, self-care, and emotional safety. It's essential to demonstrate that you have the right to your own space and that she does, too. In the long run, it empowers her and helps you heal your relationship with yourself by taking time for your needs.

Practical Step: Communicate your boundaries with kindness and consistency. For instance, if you need quiet time to recharge, tell your daughter, "Mommy needs 10 minutes of quiet time right now, and afterwards, we can spend time together." This models self-respect and teaches her to honour her own needs.

Challenging Negative Beliefs and Patterns 

If your parents were overly critical of you as a child, you might internalise negative beliefs, such as "I'm not good enough" or "I don't deserve love," in your subconscious mind. These beliefs can influence how you parent, making you excessively critical, fearful, or disconnected from your daughter. For example, you might comment on the way she dresses, looks, or weighs, which will create negative beliefs in her subconscious mind.

Challenge these beliefs by recognising when they surface and consciously replacing them with more empowering thoughts. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'm a terrible mother," remind yourself, "I'm doing my best, and I'm learning every day." Or "I'm not worthy of love, "remind yourself, "I'm worthy of love."

Affirmation Practice: Write down positive affirmations that challenge your negative beliefs. Stick them on a mirror and repeat them daily in the morning, especially during challenging moments. This regular practice helps rewire your subconscious mind and shows your daughter the power of self-love.

Seeking Support and Building a Healing Community 

Healing from childhood trauma can sometimes feel lonely, but it is not a journey meant to be taken alone. Surround yourself with a supportive community—whether it's friends, virtual support groups, therapists, or coaches—who understand your experiences and can guide you through the healing process.

By seeking support from others, you demonstrate to your daughter that it's okay to ask for help and model the importance of building healthy, nurturing, supportive relationships.

Suggestion: Join a virtual support group, summits or attend workshops focused on healing childhood trauma and building a healthy family dynamic; this not only accelerates your healing but also offers valuable support and tools for raising your daughter.

Celebrating Progress, Not Perfection 

Healing your childhood trauma is a lifelong journey, not a destination. It's a path that requires patience, compassion, and acceptance of all your emotions—both the highs and the lows. There will be moments when you feel empowered, like you've made significant steps in your healing, and other times when old wounds resurface, and you feel like you've taken a step backwards. This ebb and flow is a natural part of the healing process, and it's important to remember that setbacks don't erase your progress. They're simply opportunities to learn more about yourself and dig deeper into your healing layers.

Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small, because each one is a testament to your courage and commitment to breaking free from the past. Acknowledge your efforts, whether finding the strength to stay calm in a stressful moment with your daughter or recognising a negative thought pattern and consciously choosing a more positive response. These seemingly small victories are the building blocks of your healing journey.

By celebrating your progress, you reinforce your resilience and model self-compassion for your daughter. She learns it's okay to be imperfect, stumble, and keep going; it teaches her that growth is a continuous process and that success is not always about getting it right but about having the courage to keep moving forward. In doing so, you empower her to embrace her journey with kindness, patience, and the understanding that healing and growth are parts of life.

Conclusion 

Raising daughters while healing your childhood trauma is a transformative and courageous journey. It requires a lot of inner work- self-awareness, vulnerability, and a deep commitment to breaking cycles of pain and trauma. As you heal, you transform your relationship with yourself and create a nurturing, empowering environment where your daughter can grow into her most whole, authentic self.

Remember, healing isn't about erasing the past but rewriting the future. By choosing to face your trauma, you're giving your daughter the greatest gift of all—the freedom to grow up in a world where she feels safe, loved, and fully accepted. In doing so, you're breaking the cycle of generational trauma and creating a legacy of healing, empowerment, and unconditional love.

You don't have to do this alone. Book a complimentary Root Cause Therapy session with me, and let's heal your inner child today. 

Marisa Sim is a trauma-informed coach. As a childhood trauma survivor, she understands firsthand how trauma affects our mental health and well-being. Now she supports women to heal from their childhood trauma and step into their power.

You can find out more about Marisa and her work at:  https://marisa-sim.mykajabi.com