What Is a Generational Cycle Breaker?

A generational cycle breaker is an individual who breaks the patterns of behaviour and thinking passed down through generations within their family or cultural group. These patterns can be deeply ingrained and can have a profound impact on an individual's life and the lives of those around them. By breaking these patterns, generational cycle breakers can create positive change in their families, communities, and beyond.

The idea of generational cycles comes from the understanding that many beliefs, values, and behaviours are inherited from one generation to the next. These cycles can be positive, such as a family tradition of volunteering or a cultural value of respect for elders. However, they can also be negative, such as a pattern of violence, substance abuse or a cultural norm of discrimination.

Generational cycle breakers recognise these patterns and their impact on their lives and the lives of others. As a result, they consciously decide to challenge these patterns and find new ways of thinking and behaving that are more positive and productive; this can be a challenging and complicated process, as it often requires going against deeply ingrained beliefs and cultural norms.

Growing up in a middle-class Chinese family in Singapore, my mother was physically and emotionally abusive towards me and my brothers. She grew up in a generation where punishing and hitting your kids were the norm, which is why she did the same to us. So, even though I may have disagreed with the method in how she raised us, I can empathise with why she did it.

If you didn't grow up seeing a different way to parent, your default mode to deal with your kids would be the same as your parents. It takes an incredible amount of self-awareness not to slip into the generational way of doing things. I knew I did not want to raise my children like my mother did. So, I consciously decided to avoid making the same mistake as the generations before.

Breaking generational cycles and reparenting oneself can be challenging but ultimately rewarding. It involves identifying negative patterns, behaviours, and beliefs passed down from generation to generation and replacing them with more positive and productive ways of thinking and behaving. While this process can be daunting and challenging, the results can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying life for yourself and the generations to come.

Here are some steps to take to become a generational cycle breaker and reparent yourself:

Identify the negative patterns and beliefs you want to break

The first step in breaking generational cycles and reparenting oneself is identifying the negative patterns and beliefs passed down from generation to generation. It can involve reflecting on your own experiences and behaviours and talking to family members and others who may have insight into your family history. Some common negative patterns and beliefs include substance abuse, domestic violence, negative self-talk, and a lack of emotional expression.

Understand where these patterns and beliefs come from

Once you have identified the negative patterns and beliefs you want to break, it is crucial to understand where they come from. These patterns and beliefs often result from cultural norms, family dynamics, or traumatic experiences handed down over time through generations. However, understanding the root causes of these patterns and beliefs can help you break free from them and create new ways of thinking and behaving.
Hearing how my mother was treated as a child made much sense about why she behaved the way she did. But, understanding her story made it easier for me to comprehend her behaviour and actions. Hurt people, hurt people. It started somewhere before her generation, and she raised us the best way she could.

Cultivate self-awareness

Cultivating self-awareness is a critical component of breaking generational cycles and reparenting oneself. It means being honest with yourself about your patterns and behaviours and how they may impact your relationship with yourself, others and your mental health and well-being. Some ways to cultivate self-awareness include journaling, practising mindfulness, meditating, seeking feedback from trusted friends and family members, going to therapy or working with a trauma-informed coach.

Practice self-compassion

Breaking generational cycles and reparenting oneself can be complex, and practising self-compassion is essential. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you treat a close friend or loved one. It means being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes or face setbacks rather than being overly critical or judgmental. It also means acknowledging that change takes time and effort and that you may need to take breaks or seek support from others.

One way to practice self-compassion is to speak to yourself kindly by using positive self-talk, focusing on your strengths, and reframing negative thoughts. Another way is to seek support from others, reach out to friends or family members who can offer emotional support or seek the help of a therapist, counsellor or coach who can provide professional guidance and support. By practising self-compassion, you can help yourself navigate the challenging process of breaking generational cycles and reparenting yourself. You can also download my free Self-Compassion journal on my website to help you get started.

Develop new patterns and beliefs

Once you have identified the negative patterns and beliefs you want to break, developing new ones to replace them is essential. It can include seeking new experiences, relationships, and learning opportunities that challenge your old thinking and behaviour. For example, if you grew up in a family that did not express emotions, you may seek therapy or support groups to help you learn how to express yourself healthily. You can also work with a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach to help you rewire and reframe your thoughts around emotions.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial to breaking generational cycles and reparenting oneself, being intentional and clear about what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships and interactions with others. By setting boundaries, you can take control of your life and create a healthy environment for yourself.

Being assertive is integral to setting boundaries; it means communicating your needs and expectations directly and respectfully. It involves being confident in yourself and your decisions, even when others may not agree with you. When you are assertive, you send a clear message that you value yourself and your well-being.

Clear communication is another crucial aspect of setting boundaries by being honest and direct about your feelings and expectations in your interactions with others. It involves avoiding passive-aggressive behaviour and being clear about your intentions. When you communicate clearly, you can avoid misunderstandings and create a sense of mutual respect in your relationships.

Prioritising your own well-being is also crucial when setting boundaries, which means recognising that your needs are essential and should be respected. For example, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally and not sacrificing your well-being for the sake of others. When you prioritise your well-being, you send others a message that you deserve respect and consideration.

Seek support

Breaking generational cycles and reparenting oneself can be challenging, and seeking support is essential. Seeking therapy or counselling, joining support groups, or talking to trusted friends and family members. A robust support system can help you stay motivated and accountable and provide a safe space to process your emotions and experiences. You don't have to walk the path alone.

Breaking the cycle of substance abuse

If you come from a family with a history of substance abuse, breaking this cycle can be very difficult. Some strategies that can be helpful include seeking out support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, developing new coping skills to manage stress and difficult emotions with a therapist or coach, and creating healthier ways of processing challenging days instead of numbing your pain and stress away by practising mindfulness or breathwork.

Conclusion

Breaking the generational cycle and reparenting oneself is crucial because it provides an opportunity to heal from the emotional wounds of the past, create healthier relationships, and pave the way for a brighter future for ourselves and future generations. By taking responsibility for our emotional well-being and developing a nurturing relationship with ourselves, we can break free from the negative patterns and behaviours we may have inherited through generations.

As we learn to meet our emotional needs and challenge negative self-talk, we can develop greater self-awareness, self-compassion, and resilience. This can help us create healthier and more fulfilling relationships with others and model positive behaviours for our children and future generations. By being a generational cycle breaker and reparenting ourselves, we can create a ripple effect of positive change that can extend far beyond our own lives and impact the world in meaningful ways.

I'm not saying this path is easy, but you can reparent yourself with support. You can give yourself what you needed as a child and be the parent you wanted for your children. When I look at my relationship with my two kids, I'm grateful for the chance to do things differently. Being a cycle breaker is a personal choice that requires conscious effort, but in the end, you can do it too. You are changing the world by being aware not to repeat the same mistakes and emotional wounds some of our parents have.

Marisa Sim is a trauma-informed coach. As a childhood trauma survivor, she understands firsthand how trauma affects our mental health and well-being. Now she supports women to heal from their childhood trauma and step into their power.

You can find out more about Marisa and her work here.