SHALEY HOWARD, BUSINESS OWNER, AUTHOR AND ACTIVIST
Shaley Howard truly is a one-woman wonder. Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, she is an activist, business owner, passionate advocate for inclusivity, equality and basic rights, and award-winning author. Her book has been described as "a page-turning, heart-wrenching, cup filling, laugh out loud, tear-inducing, Shero's journey"
Turning her pain into purpose, Shaley's journey to the vibrant, outspoken, articulate and confident Shero you see on the page certainly hasn't been easy and talking to her feels like it should be intimidating, such are her many accolades, but I quickly learned that quite the opposite is true. Honest, candid and stunningly open, it's easy to see why she was voted one of GO Magazine's "100 Women We Love." I am delighted and honoured to bring her inspiring story to the pages of The Female CEO - Create Evolve Overcome.
SO, SHALEY, WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
The phoenix from the flame. Rising from despair and chaos, transforming my life into triumph, success and most importantly—self-love. That's my story.
I think most of us face major life obstacles that we strive to overcome. I'm no different. Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, my parents divorced when I was five. Their fighting was vicious, with me and my sisters often caught in between or used as pawns. I was no stranger to abandonment, neglect and family dysfunction. It was the 1970s, and a 'stable home life' was something I only saw on TV shows like The Brady Bunch.
On top of the emotional roller-coaster family life, I had another, more ominous problem. I was also a lesbian. A very closeted lesbian because, back then, being gay wasn't cool. In fact, it was seen as abnormal and a mental illness in the DSM until 1973. Homophobia was commonplace and accepted everywhere. I spent my entire childhood and young adult life pretending to be straight out of sheer fear. I'm also from a generation that told kids to "buck up buttercup" instead of talking about emotions and personal issues. If you were hurting in any way, you toughened up, pushed those feelings down and moved on.
Not surprisingly, I turned to drinking and drugging by the age of 14, trying to numb my pain and blend in as a straight girl. This worked for a while. But years of agonising heartbreak and loneliness from being closeted, mixed with suicide ideations and lingering family dysfunction, took its toll. Pretending everything was fine by suppressing my pain with alcohol and drugs was a short-term solution.
I thought I'd finally broken free of these problems when I went to college. I met my first love, came out of the closet, and life seemed to be moving in an upward trajectory. After graduating, I owned a small business with my partner and then went on to have a successful real estate business. Little did I know that simply finding love, coming out and having money wouldn't erase past traumas. Not to mention, I had slowly developed an increasing addiction to painkillers. By age 40, I had lost all my properties, my business had plummeted, and I'd pushed everyone I cared about far away.
Hitting rock bottom and coming close to death's door, my family checked me into rehab. This was a huge turning point. Finally clear-headed and clean from drugs, I had a sort of spiritual awakening as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. The things I'd found so significant in the past, like making piles of money, seemed less important. It suddenly felt far more meaningful to focus on my community and relationships instead. Don't get me wrong; I still loved money and success. My priorities, however, had simply shifted.
They say to follow your heart, and success will follow. That's exactly what I did. After rehab, I poured my energy into my pet care business, which I absolutely love. I also began volunteering, spending countless hours creating events, helping with fundraisers and doing whatever was needed for a good cause. Even when it was hard, I was determined to keep trying. When you genuinely care and continue to show up, people remember. My efforts all around did not go unnoticed. I've since received numerous awards for my years of volunteer work, and my business has been thriving for 18 years.
If I've learned one thing in life, it's don't stop trying. At times it can all feel so overwhelming and downright shitty. But keep going. Last year, I published my memoir, Excuse Me, Sir! Memoir of a Butch that recently won the silver IPPY award. As honored as I was to be recognised for my hard work, what thrills me more is the continually positive feedback. So many people have talked with me about the relatability of my book. And that, to me, is the point of writing your story. Whether it's addiction, the isolation and fear of being closeted or family trauma—it's something people need to talk about. To realise they're not alone and that life can get better.
YOU ARE CLEARLY VERY COMMUNITY-DRIVEN AND CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU HELP. HOW HAS YOUR SHIFT IN PRIORITIES TOWARDS COMMUNITY AND RELATIONSHIP-BUILDING IMPACTED YOUR SENSE OF FULFILMENT AND SUCCESS?
After hitting rock bottom years ago, a palpable tidal wave of emotions seemed to drive me to give back to my community. It became clear on a deeper level, the magnitude of just how much I'd been helped and benefited from other peoples' help throughout my life. I suppose on an intellectual level, I already understood this, but somehow, the degree of just how much hadn't sunk in. We are connected to one another on so many levels and to past generations. We really do stand on the shoulders of giants. My priorities and motivations shifted to more community-oriented activities, especially within LGBTQ+ and women's organizations. I discovered a strong sense of accomplishment, value and success every time I volunteered, created a fundraiser or simply showed up.
DO THOSE THINGS MEAN THE SAME THINGS THEY DID BEFORE?
What remains the same after all these years is my deep understanding of connection. My level of passion and youthful energy has waned, but my desire to help and be a positive change agent, if possible, remains the same. I continually feel a strong sense of success whether I organize an event myself or show up to set up someone else's. It's all about coming together to create, inform, and contribute. There is nothing more fulfilling than giving back.
WHAT KEY LESSONS HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES (GOOD AND NOT SO GOOD) IN YOUR BUSINESS?
I've learned it's best always to be truthful and transparent. Whether it's a big or small issue, just talk with clients right away. Regular communication and transparency make whatever it is manageable. It's only when we try to sweep things under the carpet that things turn into problems. Also, something I've learned in my pet care business is never try to console an obviously upset cat by picking it up. That was a hard and slightly bloody lesson to learn.
WHAT KEPT YOU MOTIVATED DURING YOUR MOST CHALLENGING TIMES AS A SMALL BUSINESS OWNER, AND WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO OTHERS FACING SIMILAR STRUGGLES?
We have the power to control ourselves. We don't have the power to control the outside world, but we can control our story. This can sound trite and cheesy, as if I'm implying, "just think good thoughts and everything will be perfect." Life is never perfect, nor do I think it's supposed to be. But there is something to the power of positive thinking. Life is messy and while we are striving to build a business, it continues.
It can be overwhelming dealing with the reality of personal relationships, family, politics…whatever. We all get stressed, depressed and anxious at times. However, you still have to show up when you're a small business owner. Through discipline, meditation, and, yes, practising positive thinking, I have learned that you don't have to stay in that negative mindset. We all spin stories in our lives. And when something happens, we experience a surge in emotions that can affect other parts of our lives. But at a certain point, I realized, I could stop spinning the story.
One time, I was going through a particularly difficult breakup, you know, the one where you feel like even getting out of bed isn't an option. After a few days, still in agony, I simply said, "enough." Then, I replaced the negative breakup story on automatic 'rinse and repeat' in my mind with a positive one. Whenever the negative story tried to creep back in, I consciously stopped and replaced it. It took a while, but it worked! It wasn't that my pain immediately vanished, but the negative story did lose its power over me quickly. Like a metaphorical light bulb clicking on, I realized I had control over what I wanted to think. No more sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Not to mention, if I wanted to have a successful business, that certainly wasn't going to happen unless I showed up.
HOW DO YOU HANDLE CRITICISM?
I respond well to positive criticism. I've been fortunate to surround myself with highly intelligent people, most of whom are much sharper than I am. But they are also kind. When they critique my writing or ideas, they do it in such a way that I never feel attacked or defensive. Most of the time, I'm left appreciative and grateful for their help and input.
WHO INSPIRES YOU?
Anyone who falls down and gets back up. There are countless people, famous and not, who do this. It shows me the level of a person's integrity when they get knocked down, as we all do, yet rise. Their actions motivate and remind me never to give up.
HUGE CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SUCCESS OF YOUR AWARD-WINNING AND AMAZING MEMOIR, EXCUSE ME SIR: MEMOIR OF A BUTCH. WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO WRITE, AND HOW HAS SHARING YOUR STORY AFFECTED YOU AND YOUR READERS?
Thank you so much! I am beyond thrilled with everything that's happened. I started writing years ago for PQ Monthly, the LGBTQ+ newspaper in Portland. It was jumping off point into writing publicly. I realized quickly how much I enjoyed writing. Well, really, how much I enjoyed writing my opinions about everything. I began reflecting on my life and what a roller-coaster ride it's been, so I just started writing about it. One chapter at a time. I made a conscious decision to write every single day, no matter what was happening in my life, until it was finished. It took me five years. There were some days that it felt like hell, but discipline was key. One of my favorite authors, David Sedaris, did a master's class I took. One of his major suggestions he shared about being a successful writer was to write every single day. He pointedly said, "You don't have to write every single day. But those who don't, don't have books, do they?"
I knew my story was relatable. It deals with addiction, suicide ideation, family dysfunction and what it's like being LGBTQ. Seriously, just pick a part of the memoir, and I guarantee somebody will relate. My favorite part of doing readings is the Q&A afterwards. Every time, someone will share how relatable a particular part of my story was to their life. It's been used in two book clubs so far, and the feedback I've received is the same. On some level, many shared they, too, have gone through the agony of addiction or the pain of being closeted. I love selling my book, doing readings, being on podcasts and receiving positive feedback. But what affects me more than anything else is the conversations my memoir evokes. It's heartwarming to know I was able, even in some small way, to bring connection and perhaps a tiny bit of healing.
WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR MOST OUTSTANDING MOMENT REGARDING THE BOOK'S SUCCESS?
OK, this is super weird, but two things:
The first is public libraries. In the Multnomah County library, often my book is not only checked out but there are multiple holds. And walking into the Beaverton Public Library and seeing it on display right in the front for PRIDE month!
The second is when my book was a staff favorite at Powell's bookstore, the largest independent bookstore in the world. Powell's started here in Portland, Oregon. I remember going downtown when it was a tiny little building with my parents. So, to be a staff pic at the local bookstore that became enormous was deeply personal and meaningful to me.
GO MAGAZINE RECENTLY NAMED YOU ONE OF ITS "100 WOMEN WE LOVE." WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
It was amazing and humbling at the same time. I mean, who wouldn't love to be chosen as GO Magazine's "100 Women We Love?"! Especially when I saw the other incredible women! It was pretty phenomenal.
WHICH MOTIVATIONAL SONG WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ADD TO THE FEMALE CEO SPOTIFY PLAYLIST FOR YOU?
I Get Knocked Down by Chumbawamba
VISIBILITY FOR SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS IS A NOTORIOUSLY DIFFICULT SUBJECT. AS SOMEONE HUGELY VISIBLE, HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT, AND DO YOU HAVE ANY TOP TIPS FOR OUR READERS?
I haven't had any issues with it. The more people I meet volunteering, at readings, or wherever, the more people might need my business services. My visibility in the community and business go hand in hand. I have, however, had to learn the word "no." I realized a long time ago that there's a certain level of business I'm comfortable with, and if I push it too far, I'm too stressed and not having fun any longer. Life is way too short. Do something you love.
There is also a huge benefit to being in business for 18 years and having a reputation as someone who loves what I do and, no matter what will show up. Almost every single new client I get comes from a referral. I had to work my ass off in the beginning, literally going door to door, handing out my card, asking for referrals etc. But all that hard work paid off. Now I have plenty of amazing clients, love what I do and still have plenty of free time to write, hike or do events.
If there was any advice I could offer, it would be to follow your heart. Or maybe your gut. You know what you love. Figure out a way to do that. Anything is possible.
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD?
OMG, Memes! I am ridiculously entertained by memes. To the point that my BFF, who lives upstairs, will text me at night telling me to keep it down because I'm laughing so loudly.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE BOOK OR PODCAST RECOMMENDATION FOR OUR READERS?
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. It's a story told through the eyes of Enzo the dog. It sounds silly, but not only is the story plot gripping and heartfelt it's also peppered with spirituality. Also, make sure you have tissues for the end.
HOW WOULD YOUR BEST FRIEND DESCRIBE YOU?
Dorky. Funny. Loyal. Hardworking. Stubborn. Positive.
YOUR ACTIVISM WORK AND MESSAGE OF INCLUSIVITY HAVE IMPACTED LIVES WORLDWIDE; IF YOU COULD GO BACK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THE YOUNG, CLOSETED LESBIAN VERSION OF YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT HER TO KNOW?
Well, I'm a big believer in having no regrets. And you only have regrets if you didn't learn from something, make amends and let it go. So everything that has happened to me, a lot of it out of my control when I was younger and in a different time period, led me to this place--right now. Any life I've been able to impact came from the suffering in my life. A message I try to convey often is people don't need to suffer the way I did. Let's talk about dysfunction, addiction, suicide, homophobia and, transphobia, etc. Have those hard conversations.
If I could tell younger Shaley something, given I know what she's gonna go through, I'd probably paraphrase the glorious Bette Davis in All About Eve and suggest… "Fasten your seatbelt. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."
WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?
Dogs are angels in disguise.
WHAT MAKES YOU TRULY HAPPY?
That moment you're out in nature and pause to take it all in. It's spiritual for me. I've got my dog at my side hiking up a mountain, and suddenly, there's this moment of sheer silence and connection. The pine trees are swaying gently in the warm breeze. The wildflowers are in a full rainbow spectrum of vibrant colors, and it's like everything suddenly comes together. It's so calm and peaceful. All your concerns vanish. It usually only lasts a few moments, but it's real. There's nothing like it. A joining of sorts with nature that reminds us that all the trivial things we think are so important in our busy lives really aren't. There's a Sanskrit word 'smarana' I learned a while back, which essentially means 'to remember'. These moments hiking in nature feel similar to that. It is as if my entire mind and body suddenly remember on an energetic level how deeply connected I am to everything. It's unbelievable.
If you would like to know more about Shaley and her amazing work you can read more here.
